FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
