mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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