your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
