Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
