a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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