dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
