I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
