Princesses don't give blow jobs
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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