Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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