I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
