Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
