I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
