I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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