he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
