lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Randomize
