I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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