I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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