About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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