Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
