Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
false alarm. still invincible.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
