My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I am mentally ready for anal.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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