I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
