i'm signing you up for texting rehab
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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