Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
