he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
