so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
