what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
