nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
