you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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