I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
