I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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