I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
