There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
