So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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