Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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