it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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