my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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