Tell her she can't have a vagina
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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