I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
