i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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