I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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