You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just cropdusted the office
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
