Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
