I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
