he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
