I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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