Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
