I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
