It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i believe in u and ur pee
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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