Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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