How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
